Sunday, March 27, 2011

too much not to post



This post has been evolving for a long time.

I've mentioned more than once, here on the blog, how hard our adoption and subsequent transition has been since arriving home. Not to mention the whole long story that brought us to this place.

And I know, that hard is a relative term.

a (1) : difficult to bear or endure <hard luck> <hard times>

c (1) : harsh, severe, or offensive in tendency or effect

e (1) : intense in force, manner, or degree <hard blows>(2) : demanding the exertion of energy : calling for stamina and endurance <hard work> (3) : performing or carrying on with great energy, intensity, or persistence hardworker>

There has been plenty of self-pity on my part since we came home. At times certain that I've ruined our family, because you see, adoption was on my heart first. It took Jason awhile to come around. Hence the whole freakout because life is dramatically different and I don't know when it's ever gonna get better. It's happened every time we've added a biological baby to our family too. The difference was that I was madly in love with biological new child from the first second. It's been much slower with Jenna for me. I'm still waiting to be completely succumbed by love for her. I am meeting needs and providing stability like she's never had before. And some days that's all I'm capable of.

I haven't wanted to mention some of this. Because I had guilt. And I don't want to be a complainer. You all know the old golden rule "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all." So I haven't. On the blog.

I have been praying since before I met Jenna in person that the transition would be seamless and smooth; that she would accept love from me; I prayed for her birthparents; that she would be loved while she waited for us; that her heart would recover from the grief of her short years; and then since I met her, my biggest prayer has been for me to love her. She is not an easy child to parent. She doesn't have the most endearing qualities just yet. And so I've asked, like I did for all the other things, for me to be able to love my daughter. It sounds horrible, but it's true. It's been so, so hard.

It's also been hard to see other peoples' similar prayers be answered and ours go a different way. But I've chosen to trust and believe and have faith in God's promises. Joshua 1:9 "Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go."

It didn't always feel like He was with me though. Sure, it did while I was in China. But then we got home and so it went for the next 8 months. The hardest 8 months of my life. But I wasn't looking either. I wasn't open to Him for several months. I got bitter and angry that this is what we'd been dealt.

I wasn't ready. I wasn't prepared for all of the struggles we've had. Not sure I could have been.

Yes, we asked for medical special needs. But there were a lot of unchecked boxes of issues that I think we are now dealing with.

Mental stuff. Physical stuff - more than we knew. Delays more severe than I could have imagined. In almost every area.

But then I started reading this book. The Land Between: Finding God in Difficult Transitions. I knew as early as the prologue that this was placed in my hands divinely. It's opened my eyes to the truths that I had been shutting out. I had been choosing bitterness. Over self-transformation through Christ, my only hope in any of this difficulty. He never turned his back on me or didn't hear any one of those prayers. He just wanted me to come to Him with it all, which I had stopped doing in my bitterness. Praise God that through this book I have felt hope again. Not that it's easy, but I know that He is with me in it, even if I don't understand why I'm here at all.

Some of the promises that I'm claiming:

Galatians 6:9 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Hebrews 12 1 Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. And let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, 2 fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith.

Isaiah 41:10 10 So do not fear, for I am with you; do not be dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.

So, I decided to come clean with all of this and ask for prayer warriors across the blogworld to unite on our behalf. In the next couple weeks, Jenna will be evaluated on a more extensive level with a developmental pediatrician, speech therapist, audiologist, and PT. Eventually a cognitive eval will also be done.

And then, 3 weeks from now, Jenna will be having surgery. And with the surgery, alot is on the table. They are removing one of her kidneys, and hopeful that as a result, her body will be relieved of ALOT of stress... Opening the door to many other improvements: growth, weight gain (she hasn't grown at all or gained any weight since we brought her home, even though she eats alot), and relief of discomfort that she's been 'used to' forever.

Please join me in praying that the surgery will do all of those things and that maybe she will truly feel good for the first time and that she will start thriving physically...leading to thriving in other areas.

I am believing God for a miracle and hoping that this will be the turning of a corner for us.


melpbaby said...

I'm praying for you and Jenna and your whole family!

ljk said...

Know that you are loved by us and we are keeping all of you in our prayers.

Tina Michelle said...

Your family is in my thoughts as you walk this path. I hope the surgery and evaluations go as planned and you get some help and answers you are searching for. ****hugs**** for you all!

Valerie and Jeff said...

Prayers will be going up from here for you all! Thank you for your honesty in the tough stuff and also the courage to put it out there for US to pray for too! So much an be accomplished through prayer! I pray that Jenna will finally have physical relief from pain after her surgery! And that new strides forward will be seen.

Erin said...

Vicki and fam, I have added these specific prayers to my list. THANK YOU for your honesty and truth about this path you are walking. Praying that you will continue to rely on Him and go to Him....LOVE the verses you have shared. God be with all of you. Love, E

momwithfaithandhope said...

WOW. . .I jumped from your post about accepting your referral to this one. I can so relate - the cards dealt, the developmental ped, OT, Audiology, you name it. Add nerologist and geneticist to our list. . .And the love piece - we've been home for over 2.5 years and I'm still working on that one too. This was a post straight from your heart. Lifting you all up to Him, and will be praying with you! This has been a gentle reminder, a message from Him, through you, of what I felt I had done to my family back then and what I'm praying for today with the possibility of #4. Eye opening. Thank you!

Ashley said...

thank you so much for being real. I delight in praying for for you all. I have a friend who adopted a little girl at 9 months - extremely delayed. All of her test marked her as being mentally delayed-not minor. The mother put the test a drawer and never acknowledge them for years. This little girl was prayed over for years - some of the same verses. She graduated from HS with honors and has finished her first year of college. She hit a wall this past semester and had to come home for some evaluations. After testing as to why she shut down, the doctors did the same evaluation that was done years prior. They said it was "impossible" that she had achieved so much. Her mama said, "we serve a God who makes all things possible." The parents asked what they recommended as far as her next few years and they told them to send her on back to college because she wants to go back AND she has learned now what to do when it becomes too much. The doctors said she had done so well because of her family, they quickly added, "no, she has done so well because of her God!" God had these plans for her life. God has amazing plans for Jenna's life! I know he does - look where he has placed her, look at how he has removed her from such a tough tough place. God always takes the hard and turns it into something beautiful - far beyond our imagination. I know it is tough, but I cannot wait to see where you and Jason and your entire family are when this tough is behind you.
You did not know the cost, but He did. Y'all are amazing! Thank you so much for sharing and allowing us to come along beside you. Hugs and LOVE! Ashley

Cheri said...

Wow, Vicki! Your plate is so full right now. I pray the Lord gives you all that you need to be the mom you need to be. I pray all goes well for your daughter's surgery. Thinking of often.

Jen said...

Prayers just sent up and will continue to be.

blessings on this road

The Watts said...

arA friend forwarded your blog to me. I am interceding on your behalf as we speak. We too have adopted from China, special needs, and I too had some of the same feelings for 6 months. GOD IS FAITHFUL! ASK AND YOU WILL RECEIVE! I am praying for a prayer of Thankfulness to rise up in you. Thanking Him will enable Him to lift you up above your circumstances. We will pray for you and your family with a passion and intensity because we KNOW our God is REAL. I pray for Jenna's complete and total healing in the name of Jesus! Lord we want her physical body to function as You designed it. Father, we ask You to supernaturally transform her mind and heart. We take back what the enemy has taken from this child. God I pray you restore this family with YOUR love. In Jesus Name, AMEN!

The Millers said...

A friend sent me a link to your post -- thank you for the opportunity to pray for you and your precious family. Sometimes it isn't the situation that needs to change - sometimes it is our perception. Try this...pray Mary's song of praise every morning: "I'm burting with God-news; I'm dancing the song of my Savior God. God took one good look at me, and look what happened - I'M THE MOST FORTUNATE WOMAN ON EARTH!" Luke 1:46,47 (msg)

Jenna said...

OH- you pop in to my mind form time to time, and I pray for you each time it happens. I've been bad about reading blogs since we've been home, and your post really made me feel like a huge I am complaining about our transition, when I have NO THING to complain about.

Have you heard the song "Strong Enough" by Matthew West? I thought of it when I was reading your post.

That's a great book often I choose complaint over thankfulness.

I'll be praying for you and for Jenna and for your family! THANK YOU for being vulnerable and honest! I think so often those expectations you have/had are fed by bloggers who don't share anything tough or hard or awful....they just share the happy stuff. Thanks for your honesty! I know it was a blessing to me tonight- and I am thankful to be able to pray for you!